It's been 2 days since my last confession....

Confession #2:

I have a problem with the way people raise their children. The tend to push their thoughts and ideals on the kids. This is how homophobia remains rampant. Their lack of understanding and fear of gay people - their ignorance - is pushed onto their kids. I will say that compared to how it was when I was growing up - it's much better now. My nieces and nephews don't seem to care. They're smart enough to realize that IF someone is gay, there is nothing they can do to change it. And they've realized through knowing me, that gay people are normal. When I was a kid, I was so confused over the realization that I was attracted to men. No one spoke of gays, so I thought there was something wrong with me. The only time I heard of anything different was in the 1970's when everyone was in an uproar about Rene Richards - the first famously open transexual. Now, obviously I am not transgender. I'm a gay man. But as a kid, I was so confused. I thought that the only way I was going to be able to love a man and have a life with a man was for me to become a woman. Thankfully, I became exposed to gay men, and realized that I didn't need to go down that road. My hometown was a beautiful place to raise a family - but a horrible place to live as a gay person. Crazily, nowadays there are a lot of gay people and gay couples living there. (go figure!) I grew up in some sort of semblance of a normal life - until 6th grade. It was Halloween, and 2 friends and I were trick-or-treating (yeah, yeah I know - we were too old. but it was Hanover, and we were bored!) A group of thugs chased us and I ended up punching the one right in the face as hard as I could. The next day at school, he showed up with a black eye - but said he was rough-housing with friends. I knew it was from me, because my hand was sore and swollen, and I had red make-up all over my hand that I couldn't get off. (the thugs had their faces covered in red make-up) So, after that, they made it their life's work to make my life hell. Everyone ignored their remarks, until they found the one thing that no guy could ignore. Matt was queer. How they figured it out before I even knew was bizarre. Looking back, they probably didn't know - they just knew it would fuck up my life and make guys not want to be my friend. Thankfully, junior high was right around the corner - a whole new group of guys to be friends with who didn't know me. All was fine the first 3 weeks of school, and then it started again. Matt was queer, don't talk to him or everyone will think you are too. So, all of the friends I made proceeded to ignore me. It was like a dagger to the heart. Thankfully, I had girl friends, and some of my guy friends from grade school who didn't listen to the rumors. But school was a horrible, horrible thing. Finally, in 10th grade health class, there was a day where we studied Homosexuality. It was a giant "a ha!" moment. (like a light turned on, not the norwegian group who sang "take on me") It was 2 things: I felt like I finally realized what and who I was, and also I felt like every eye in the room was on me. I did my best to become invisible - but I am sure my face was glowing red. After that, everytime I looked at a guy, it was like I was looking at him with new eyes. I also became a master at covertly checking out guys in the locker room. In my senior year, I fell in love with my best guy friend - he was a german exchange student named Tom. I finally got the courage to tell him - and he thanked me, but reaffirmed that he was straight. Thank God for Europeans - it went really well. An American guy would probably have beaten me up. I was 18 years old, and never kissed a guy. It was pretty horrible. Finally, in the summer, I worked a hateful job at a mini-market called "Turkey Hill". It was a thankless job, but every now and then a hot drunken guy would come in. One in particular was a football player from a rival high school. His name was Brian. He was beautiful. One night, he was really drunk and told me that he thought I was hot. I was blown away. We made plans to "hang out" - and he drove me out into the woods so we could drink beer. We sat in the dark on a deserted road, talking about nothing. It got eerily quiet, we looked at each other, and we both lunged. Kissing, hands everywhere, clothes being removed. It was one of the hottest moments of my life. I finally felt alive. I had kissed girls in school after dates, but never felt anything. Kissing Brian, I felt everything. Every goosebump on my body felt electric. It was intense. I thought I was in love with him. 2 days later, he left for basic training in the air force, and I was heartbroken. I never saw him again. I cried. My sister Ellen held me and tried to make it all better. Brian had said that I would have to live my life as a gay man in secret and that I could never actually have a relationship with another man. I'd live in the closet my whole life, he said. It was then, after I stopped crying over a man who was too afraid to be who he was, that I decided I was going to live my life openly and without fear. And I was going to find love. So, my friend Matt (yeah, we were both gay, and both named Matt) and I decided to head to Baltimore, following Ellen's advice - and go to our first gay bar. It was called the Hippo (still is) - and it was amazing. We realized that we weren't freaks. I still have a special place in my heart for the Hippo - it helped shape me into who I am today.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned....

Confession #1:



Ok, so this is a new road for me. You, my readers, are going to know every aspect of my life. I will leave no stone unturned. No topic is taboo, or off limits. In fact, if there is anything that you would like me to talk about, let me know. I am a 43 year old gay man. I've known I was gay since I was about 8 years old - but didn't really tell anyone until I was 18. As a child, I was your average, girly gay boy - blissfully unaware of the hell that high school and beyond would bring me. You see, everyone seemed to know I was gay before I did. When I finally told Mom at 22, she said she always knew. Apparently I told her when I was 8 that I wanted to marry an astronaut. A male astronaut. I was obsessed with the tv show version of "Planet of the Apes" - and my first strong crush was on an actor named James Naughton. He was - and still is- an amazing looking guy. (you'd probably know him as either Billy Flynn in the revival of Chicago on Broadway - or as Ally McBeal's DILF father) My mother chalked my confession up to confusion - I mean, after all, I did have 5 sisters. I am sure she realized as time went by that there would be no wife and kids in my future. She said she was never ashamed or embarassed. And what mother doesn't want a kid who can pick out clothing for her, shop with her, or drop everything to be at her side? Thankfully, even though I work in a pretty gay job (Visual Merchandising) - I have learned how to use powertools - and can pretty much make anything I need. I'm a man of many talents.

This is the first of MANY postings to come. Some will be funny (I'm a huge smartass), and some will be serious. But they will all be truthful. Thanks for reading. I welcome your comments, but most of all, I welcome you.

XOXO